November Book Report is here! I read five books this month and I loved them all! To be honest, they were all pretty substantial and if I was still working a full time job on someone else’s schedule I probably would have only finished 1 or 2 of these. But I’ve been making reading a priority because I firmly believe that reading makes you a better writer. Anyway, let me know if you have any questions or recommendations for what I should read in December!

Before You Were Ours by Lisa Wingate – Oh my…this is the book I’ve been waiting for recently. It sucked me in from the get go and transported me into another world. It is a gripping story based on the true story of Georgia Tann who kidnapped poor children and sold them to wealthy families under the guise of adoption. The story has two story lines to follow, one present day and another set in 1939. If you’re like me, you won’t be able to put this down as you become more and more invested in these characters and how their lives intertwine.

So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo – In contrast to last month’s Me and White Supremacy which was an intense journey of self-reflection, So You Want to Talk About Race feels a little more like an academic look on systemic racism in America. The author, Ijeoma Oluo, still keeps the book engaging with personal anecdotes so it doesn’t veer into textbook territory, but she cites many facts throughout the book to support her arguments and positions. She discusses everything from police brutality to why you shouldn’t touch a black woman’s hair. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is just getting started on their journey to understanding systemic racism and what BIPOC face day in and day out.

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng – By the same author of Little Fires Everywhere, this book is just as twisty and character driven. It revolves around the death of a sixteen year old girl and dives into the stories of her family both leading up to her death and the aftermath. It is beautifully written and truly captivating in it’s exploration of generational trauma and familial relationships. I would highly recommend it if you are looking for something more on the literary side.

The Fifth Season by N. K. Jemisin – I am secretly a huge fan of fantasy and sci-fi books! I guess not so secretly anymore… But I picked this book up after I saw it recommended by someone I follow on Instagram. It’s the first of three books and I was super disappointed that I didn’t already have the next two immediately available when I finished it. This book is not for everyone. I wouldn’t even say it’s for all fans of fantasy. There is a ton of world building going on in this novel. There are lots of tedious descriptions, references to in-world history, and places where you have to keep reading even though you haven’t gotten all the background yet. But I absolutely loved it. The setting is a land where earthquakes and tectonic shifts are a regular occurrence. There is a group of people who have power to control the earth’s movement, but their power is dangerous so they are highly controlled and exploited for their usefulness. It explores themes of cultural conflict and systemic oppression. I really can’t wait to read the next books in the series!

The Dutch House by Ann Patchett – This book is just pure art. The descriptions are so rich that you really can picture yourself walking through each scene with the characters. The Dutch House itself acts as a passive character, creating conflict and resolution while remaining a stoic and stable fixture through the years. It is another book that explores complex family dynamics and generational trauma, but it a more removed way than Everything I Never Told You. Elevated literature if you a looking for a book your college professor might have assigned. It would be a lot of fun to analyze and critique in a classroom setting.

By now you should have a pretty good idea of what you want to accomplish based on your self-reflection and motivation work. So now it’s time to write it down!

The act of writing something down is key to cementing it in your mind. A Harvard Business Study found that you are three times more likely to see success if you write it down. There is neuroscience behind it as well, that I won’t get into here. But look it up if you are interested! Basically, writing something down signals to your brain that it is important. And what is more important that the goals you are setting for yourself?

As you write your goal(s) down, use the SMART framework to craft them. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Timebound. If you look up SMART goals you might find different words in place for the A – Assignable, Attainable. I just personally like using Achievable because I feel like it puts more of an emphasis on what you can do as an individual.

Specific – the goal needs to be clearly written and have a narrow focus.

• Specific – Your goal needs to be clearly written and have a narrow focus. What do you want to accomplish? Think “I want to run a 5k” vs “I want to start running more.”
• Measureable – Provide details on how you will measure your progress and success. When will you know you are finished? Think “running a 5k” vs “running more.”
• Achievable – With your self-reflection work in hand, make sure you keep your goal within a realistic scope for yourself. Remember that an immediate goal can be a stepping stone to a larger long-term goal. What is something that will stretch you beyond your current state, but is actually doable? Think “a 5k” vs “a marathon.”
• Relevant – Base your goal on your motivation work and think through what matters to YOU. What is your “Why” for this goal? Think “I want to run to get stronger” vs “Everyone says running is good for you.”
• Time-bound – It is super important to give yourself parameters; to define specific start and end dates. How long to you want to work towards this goal? Think “I will run in (insert specific race) 5k” vs “running more this year.” Hint – it helps to incorporate external deadlines too, like signing up for said race or telling people you’ll do something by x date.

Here’s an example of a well written goal for myself: I will write 20,000 words towards a manuscript by January 1, 2021.

• Specific – this goal is focused on my writing
• Measureable – my measurement is how many words I want to complete
• Achievable – I know I can easily write between 500-1,000 per day, so this on top of my blogging shouldn’t be too difficult
• Relevant – I quit my job to write a book…so this sure as hell is relevant!
• Time-bound – I want to complete 20,000 words by the end of the year

And because some people learn from bad examples too, here’s what a poorly written goal would look like: I want to make writing a priority this year. “make writing a priority” is non-specific and unmeasurable. A priority over what? And how will I know if I did it? “This year” does have a time component, but it doesn’t tell me a start date or end date. Do I want to write exclusively for the whole year? Or take a few weekends here and there to write instead of other activities?

Hopefully that’s all helpful as you start to write out your goals! Next Wednesday we’ll talk about Step 4 – Action Planning. That’s where we get into the nitty-gritty of what needs to be done in order to be successful!

You guys! It’s November 20th, which means it’s almost Thanksgiving, which means it’s practically Christmas already! I love the holiday season and am soooo ready for it. I think we’re all looking for a bit of magic after this long and difficult year.

One of the things that always makes the holidays feel special for me are the traditions that come with it. I love traditions and, while they aren’t exclusive to the holidays, they sure come out in full force this time of year! From the food we eat to the music we listen to, there’s something special about pulling out the old favorites.

Traditions bring a sense of comfort to an otherwise chaotic and stressful time. Don’t get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and all the festive stuff. But it also brings with it shopping and travel and family stuff, which can be a lot to manage all at once. I think this is part of the reason we turn to traditions. Something familiar and cozy, like a soft chair that has perfectly formed to your shape. Christmas movies are like this for me. I watch the same ones every year and, unlike other movies I’ve seen before, I don’t care that I can recite the dialogue from memory. I revel in the comfort of something familiar.

In addition to bringing a sense of comfort, traditions are also make the ordinary feel celebratory. For example, I watch football almost every weekend during the season. But watching football with my family while eating the Chex mix that my dad makes every year? Something about that feels special and makes the ordinary occurrence of watching football feel like a holiday event.

Some traditions are great because they create a space for people to come together. When I was in college we had a tradition of a white elephant gift exchange with the same group of people. The party also always featured a raucous game of Christmas-themed charades. This continued on for several years after college and it was the one night of the year that I saw some of these people, or even talked to them for that matter. We had all gone our separate ways but we could all come together for one night to laugh and revisit old jokes.

Aside from all the touchy-feely reasons we love traditions, there is also a very practical reason for them. Deciding on a tradition means taking some future decisions off the table. Traditions can make meal decisions easy, they can help corral large groups of people, and can give us a sense of familiarity when everything else is a bit chaotic.

But, I think it’s especially key this year to make sure the traditions we’ve held on to for so long are still serving us and that we aren’t doing them just for the sake of familiarity. It might not be the best idea to get the same big group of people together even if that’s what you always do. Or maybe think about skipping that one bar with the fun decorations that you always go to. Find the same comfort by treating yourself to some new festive jammies to wear at home. Tap into the celebration by looking up some festive drinks to make at home and dressing in your fanciest holiday outfit for a night in. Find new ways to bring people together, like a virtual movie watch party or a Zoom party with ugly Christmas sweaters. And if things are feeling too different, get in the car and drive around to look at lights and decorations. Not everything this year has to be new and different, but you might end up stumbling upon a new tradition that you can carry into the future.

At the end of the day, we indulge in traditions because of love for the people around us. So my reminder to you this holiday season is to remember to make it about the love…with or without the traditions.

You’ve taken stock of where you are right now. Great. The next step is to determine your “why” or your motivation. This is something preached over and over again in the field of change management. If you don’t give people a compelling reason to change, they just won’t. It is true for enterprise changes and it’s true for personal change.

When I’ve walked through this framework with people before, I like to use the Enneagram as a basis for this step. If you aren’t familiar, the Enneagram is a personality typing system based on your core desires and fears. As an Enneagram 1, I desire to be good and right and correct. I fear doing evil or wrong. So my motivations are always based in what I think is “right”. My husband, an Enneagram 7, desires being happy and avoiding pain. So his motivations are usually based on what seems like the most fun or least painful thing to do.

If you are familiar with the Enneagram and know your type, feel free to leverage that. If not, just think about why you want to achieve the goal. You might have to dig deep because sometimes our first answer is “because it’s what I’m supposed to do.”

Maybe think about the things that always make you feel good. Then ask yourself what it is about those things that you find appealing. Maybe you are always looking for the lesson in everything…you might be motivated by learning. Or maybe you will only get up off your ass if there’s competition involved. None of these are right or wrong or better, they are just plain helpful when it comes to figuring out how to think through your goal setting.

Here’s a great example. I have a friend who is 100% motivated by helping other people (she’s a type 2). She really really wants to get her finances in order, pay off debt and build up her savings. But the problem is deep in her mind she feels like saving that money for her future is selfish while there are so many things she could do in the present to help other people with her dollars. But – what if she thinks about building her savings as a way to support her family after retirement? Or as a way to help make sure her kids get the education they want? It might seem like a silly exercise to some people, but as I’ve said before, simple reframing of our mindsets can be the thing that helps us be successful.

If our primary motivations are in conflict with how we think about our goals, our accomplishments will be derailed. And even worse, they will be derailed by things we think are SO IMPORTANT that we won’t always be able to right the ship. But if we build our motivations into the goal itself, we are more likely to keep perspective on what is actually important to use and from there it’s smooth(er) sailing.

I’ll give another example to close out this section. As I said above, I am an Enneagram type 1, motivated by doing the right thing OR by doing things the right way. This can create a huge obstacle when I start setting goals. I can get so wrapped up in trying to figure out the exact right way to do something that I end up never starting. It’s a common problem for people who identify as perfectionists. I had a goal to get this blog started at the beginning of October. And the way I framed my goal, I was bogged down in doing it the right way…building an editorial calendar, trying to figure out a social media strategy, writing posts ahead of time, etc… If you go back to my first post, you’ll see it wasn’t until October 14th that I actually started. It took me two full weeks to stop getting twisted around how it “should” be and to just focus on the next right step. Because of this tendency in me, it’s important that I think about my goals as small steps towards the end state, rather than trying to go too big too soon.

At the end of the day, there are a lot of ways to think through what motivates you. But I really believe that unless you identify your motivation up front and build it into your goal setting…you will have a really tough time working through an obstacles that come up.

Stay tuned for next Wednesday when we dive into Step 3 – Writing Your Goal.

I had a completely different blog post planned for today at the beginning of the week. But given the events of the past few weeks (and months to be honest) I have been thinking a lot about self-care and decided to write about that today.

First of all, I want to get something straight. Self-care is not just pampering yourself. Yes, manicures and face masks and bubble baths are wonderful and can be incorporated into your self-care regimen, but it can’t exclusively be that. Self-care needs to incorporate actual practical things you do to keep yourself well and whole.

A good tool for creating a self-care practice is the Self-Care Wheel. You can google this and various images and websites explaining it will come up. But basically it’s a wheel that shows six equal wedges divided into Physical, Psychological, Emotional, Spiritual, Personal, and Professional well-being. The idea is that all of these aspects are of equal importance in caring for yourself.

• Physical: This is where your bubble baths and pampering come into play, but also ensuring you are taking care of your medical needs, exercising, eating well, hydrating, etc… My big thing for self-care this year has been hiking/walking with my dog and focusing on hydration. I know I do everything perfectly, but if I can get my 6-8 glasses of water and a few miles under my feet I’ll be in good shape.
• Psychological: This can be as simple as listening to music and writing in a journal daily or as involved as going to therapy or a support group. Earlier this year, before I decided to quit my job, I was using one of those apps to text with a therapist on a daily basis. It really helped me get out of a negative mindset and, for me, was just something I needed at the moment. These days I make sure to write in my journal daily and that has been enough for the day-to-day.
• Spiritual: Finding a church community, a spiritual mentor, focus self-reflection, or meditating can all do wonders for your spiritual health. One great thing to come out of this pandemic and social distancing is a lot of churches have gone online with their Sunday services. So if you are intimidated by showing up in person, right now you can log-in and attend church virtually.
• Personal: I may be biased on this one, but I think setting goals is a great way to tackle this one. See my post from Wednesday for part 1 of a series I’m doing on goal setting! But this can also be fulfilled by taking a class, reading regularly, creating a vision board, nurturing friendships, etc… I think this category is the most broad out of all of them in terms of what feeds your personal well-being, but think of it as permission to spend time every day doing something that makes you happy.
• Professional: Professional well-being should not be confused with professional advancement. This is all about finding breathing room with your work and creating space for you to be successful. AKA – setting boundaries! Eat lunch away from your desk, have a “quittin’ time” and stick to it, create a plan for your next career move that plays to your strengths, volunteer for projects that excite you, and learn to say no if you need to.

I think this year has highlighted the need to make self-care a priority. But it is important to think about it holistically. If you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed, run through the categories above and check in that you are putting effort into each section. Oftentimes we’ll find that one or more areas are being neglected which is leading to an imbalance. Make sure you are considering your whole self in your self-care.

The idea of setting goals is ubiquitous in today’s world. We have goals for our careers, goals for our bodies, financial goals, family goals, house goals! The list can go on forever because people are constantly setting goals for how they want their lives to be. #goals is pervasive on instagram as a response to photos of couples, home decor, outfits, etc… But what does it really mean to set a goal for yourself? How do you do it? Is it simply aspirational or something more concrete?

The way in which you think about and craft your goal can be what makes or breaks your success. Most of us think of goals in terms of the ideal state that we want to get to. Going back to Instagram for a moment, #goals is rarely posted on pictures that show the process, in fact, the process is rarely shown on social media at all. People see a photo of a beautifully designed house and think “oooh! Goals!” We think of a goal as the perfect end state where we want to be. But the truth is that a goal can’t simply be “I want a perfect house!” A goal should encompass everything it takes to get from where you are to where you want to be. And doing that well takes time, self-reflection, and honesty.

When I sit down to set a goal, the very first thing I do is reflection. I think about where I am right now and how I got here before I even start thinking about where I want to go. Don’t skip this! It will set you up for success by a) giving you a clear picture of your starting line; and b) helping you right size your expectations for the future. For example, if I want to buy a new house and have that as a goal, it is important for me to be clear about details such as how much money I have set aside for a down payment, what my equity in my current house looks like, how much I can spend each month on a mortgage payment, etc… These things will help me zero in on a realistic goal. Maybe I what I want is out of my budget at the moment – knowing that ahead of time will help me make a proper plan. Options are 1) get super aggressive with savings and/or making extra income; 2) set the goal for a date further in the future; or 3) re-evaluate if I should set my expectations lower. Keep in mind, lowering expectations isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, being realistic about what you can achieve in a given time period will create momentum to help you eventually realize those more lofty and seemingly unattainable goals. And this step of self-reflection will help you create a solution oriented goal that you can actually work towards.

So..that’s my step one of setting a new goal. There are more steps after this one, but I truly think this is foundational to being successful in your progress. You can’t move forward until you understand where you are and how you got here. Next week I’ll dive into Step 2 – Defining Your Motivation.

I’m so excited to be sharing this with you all and would love any thoughts or feedback you have a long the way!