You ever have a day that just throws you completely off track? That was my Monday this week! After feeling very uninspired last week I decided that I would try out a new time-blocking schedule this week. Instead of breaking up my days hour by hour, I planned a scheduled to break up my week day by day. So rather than writing every day during a set time, I would pick two days to focus solely on writing and the other days on other tasks. Monday was going to be errands and some small tasks around the house, including grocery shopping and prepping some healthy meals for the week. I was very excited to try out this new schedule for a couple weeks and see if it bubbled up some new focus and creativity.

Instead what happened was that my husband came inside as I was getting ready to head out, telling me that we needed to go to the ER. He had cut his hand while woodworking and needed stitches. Because he was using one hand to keep pressure on the hand that was cut, I had to run around and grab two masks, my purse, his wallet, my car keys, and jackets for both of us. Now, this isn’t the first time we’ve had to rush to the ER but the look on his face combined with the fact that I hadn’t seen the wound under his hand put me into a bit of a panic.

As it turns out the cut wasn’t very deep, just very long and jagged. So he had to get stitches in a couple places, but overall it’s superficial and should heal really easily. But all of that doesn’t make an ER visit go any faster. I think we were at the hospital for 3 1/2 hours, most of which was just waiting. Waiting to be brought back from the lobby, waiting for the doctor to come in, waiting for the numbing medication to kick in, waiting for the person to come do stitches, etc…

At one point, Tyler asked me if I had brought my computer. I looked at him incredulously and said “of course not!” I was barely able to make a coherent thought when we left the house. So any work that I could have gotten done while waiting, didn’t. And the errands and chores I had hoped to get done, didn’t. And those healthy meals? Well, we left the house a little after 11am and didn’t leave until 3pm so both of us were starving. And that led to a trip to Chick-fil-A which, while delicious, was not healthy.

I just let yesterday be a wash. I didn’t try to salvage my trip to the grocery store or even try to make dinner…after eating fast food for lunch we turned around and ordered pizza for dinner. I also didn’t try to squeeze any bit of writing out of myself after experiencing that minor trauma. My mental and emotional energy were spent. So instead of trying to force productivity, we just sat and watched Avengers: Endgame, ate unhealthy food, and went to be early.

So why am I writing about this story? It was a reminder that while I love structure and schedules, I can’t control everything. And I can’t let expectations and plans rule my life. I just decided to wake up on Tuesday and to get done what I could, also realizing that I am going to have a one-handed husband for awhile who will need some help changing his bandage, making breakfast and lunches, and opening jars.

Life happens and we just have to roll with the punches as best we can!

I’ve been wanting to write a post about the idea of toxic positivity for awhile. I know I’ve referenced it and called it out on previous posts but right now I feel like it merits a more in depth look.

If you aren’t familiar with the concept – think “good vibes only” or “just look on the bright side” type platitudes. To me, it feels especially sinister because of how pretty it all looks. I mean, we all want to be happy positive people, right? What could possibly be toxic about that? The problem comes when this kind of “positive outlook” is promoted in a way that diminishes the real and valid negative feelings that we all experience. I especially hate the phrase “cheer up, it could be worse!” Like me feeling sad about my present circumstances isn’t valid because of some imaginary worse case scenario that didn’t play out.

Toxic positivity shows up in a lot of places. It can be used by Instagram influencers who tell you their success is primarily due to “positive thinking.” It could come from a well-meaning partner who doesn’t feel things as deeply as you do and just wants to help you to feel better. I’ve been told to “just be zen about it” after experiencing verbal abuse in the workplace. While these examples come from a place of good intentions, they can still be detrimental to our mental health and personal growth.

Toxic positivity can also come from those with less-that-good intentions. Monday was Martin Luther King Jr Day and social media was plastered with quotes and pictures praising the man for his relentless pursuit of peace. But this year I saw a lot more people posting some of his less with the primary purpose of calling out people who cherry-pick and co-opt the words of MLK Jr to support their message of peace over justice.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” People twist these words to promote toxic positivity. They don’t stop to consider what is meant by “light” and “love.”

Light and Love can show up as righteous anger, which can, and should, be used to call out the darkness of hatred or apathy.

Light and Love can show up when we hold our friends, neighbors, and public figures accountable for their actions.

Light and Love can show up as protests to call attention to injustice.

Light and Love can show up as an investigation into wrongdoings.

Light and Love is what will reveal what is hiding in the darkness. Light and Love drive away the desire to conceal the sickness, the rot, the decay that isn’t immediately visible. And once the light reveals what is in the darkness, it can be acknowledged and addressed to allow for healing. But healing cannot come if we just skim the surface and focus on “good vibes only.”

This quote expresses perfectly how I am trying to approach life right now. The temptation to just curl up inside my own little world and block out everything else is so strong. We all have heavy things we have carried into this year and then more heavy things are continuously being heaped upon what we already carry. But if we want to feel true joy and sorrow, to grow and stretch in our lives, we have to enter the busy world and mingle with the highs and the lows.

I’ve talked a bit already this year about some of the heavy things I’ve been focused on so I’d like to take today to highlight some of the joys I’ve been experiencing as well!

• Entertainment: I just finished watching the entire series of Schitt’s Creek this week! I know I’m late to the party on this one, but if you are looking for something quirky and funny to take your mind off the heavy stuff…definitely check it out on Netflix. Another one I’d recommend is Ted Lasso on Apple TV. I described it to my mom the other day as “the least anxiety inducing show I’ve watching in years.” Very funny, very light-hearted and heart-warming.
• Food: I generally have something small for breakfast at home, but I’ve found myself out and about on a few mornings over the past couple weeks, grabbing breakfast on the go. If you are a Starbucks fan – check out their new Portobello and Kale egg bites. They are DELICIOUS!
• Exercise: I should probably say “exercise” since it’s more about getting outside and moving than working out. But I’ve been walking for at least 1 mile every day. Even on the days where it’s been freezing outside and I didn’t want to go…I inevitably have a better mindset just a few minutes into the walk and feel so refreshed when I get home. If you are feeling a little in the dumps, seriously try just going for a short walk outside. And drink a glass of water…you’re probably dehydrated.
• Books: I’ve been listening to Michelle Obama narrate her book Becoming during my walks. I’ll include it in my January book report in a couple weeks, but so far I’m really enjoying it. I’ve found I don’t really like audiobooks unless it’s a memoir narrated by the author themselves. Or anything by David Sedaris because he is just the best at reading his own essays.
• Downtime: I love taking a bath to relax and unwind, especially in the winter when I’m cold 90% of the time. Recently I’ve been using Dr. Teal’s Epsom Salts or Foaming Baths. There are a ton of different scents to choose from and they’re relatively cheap as far as bubbles and salts go. A good lavender scented bath at the end of the day can be transformative as far as I’m concerned.

These are all small things that have brought me some relief and joy over the past couple weeks and I hope you’ve also had some relaxing, refreshing, and diverting moments in your life. It’s not to say we should distract ourselves completely from what is happening around us and to us, but we also need to stop and take stock of what has made us smile in the midst of the hurt. And to make sure we are caring for and nourishing all parts of ourselves so we can continue to move mountains this year.

Last week I shared my intentions for 2021 along with my plan to make smaller, short-term goals to keep myself on track. Given how January has looked so far, I couldn’t be happier that I let myself start small this year. I very much plan to build on each of these, but small steps that are easy to stick to have helped me begin building the momentum I need to have a great and productive year.

Be Present. Through self-reflection I know that I have had trouble being present because I’ve always been looking to the next thing to make me happy. So I’ve written myself a very simple SMART goal to help me stay in the moment each day. For the month of January, journal everyday. That’s it. That’s the goal. My action plan is to use guided journal prompts so I can’t use the excuse of not having anything to write about. My contingency plan is that I have my journal out in plain sight so I can’t ignore it. And I add “journal” as a to-do item to my daily list every morning. Hoping to build on this practice throughout the year, but starting small for now.

Focus on the essential. As I said last week, I have wasted money on trying to find things that would be the perfect “fix” for different parts of my life. Namely – skin care, hair care, clothing, and home decor. So my January goal is to not spend money on any of those things through the end of the month and to use what I already have. Action planning for this was pretty easy since it’s more about not doing than doing. Contingency planning was a little more involved. I took inventory of what I have in closets and drawers so I’m not tempted to buy something I already have. For home decor, if I start to feel the need to get a new blanket or throw pillow to “spruce things up” I will shop the house instead. Even just moving something from the guest room to the living room or the living room to the office scratches that new decor itch for me.

Stay Connected. After the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, getting time alone in January can often feel like a welcome respite. However, I know that if I let things drop this month, I’ll never get back the momentum of staying in touch with people more regularly. So this month the goal is to have at least two video calls with friends. So far I’ve had one and I have another one on the books before the end of the month! Even just an hour of talking to a person face-to-face can do wonders for my sanity. Action planning for this month was easy, one call was scheduled by someone else and the other is a meeting of a small book club that we’ve been talking about for awhile. So it was a simple as picking a date and putting it on the calendar.

Activate inner SJW. This one feels trickier because I’m still trying to make a plan of action for myself. But over the weekend I realized that if I want to use my voice more, especially on social media, I need to just practice the act of using social media instead of passively consuming it. So my goal for January is to share the things that resonate with me. I follow a lot of really well informed people who articulate social and political issues much better than I can. I often like posts or even save them for future reference, but this month I’m going to start sharing them on my instagram stories! Simple actions to start with, but again, hoping to build on it in the coming year.

I have a few others that I’m working on as well…walk for at least 1 mile every day, write 500 words every week day, read 5 books this month, and keep my inbox under control! But that’s it! Moving the small stones so I can work step by step to move mountains.

Wednesday morning I published my blog post about having tentative hope in 2021 and setting bigger overarching intentions for the year. Wednesday afternoon there was a riot and attempted coup at the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. As I watched the news and scrolled through social media, I felt angry, frustrated, helpless and overwhelmed. Both because of the blatant disregard for our democracy by these so-called ‘patriots’ being fueled by our president AND at the stark discrepancy at how law enforcement showed up vs how they showed up for the planned BLM protest.

Then I started seeing people equate the attempted coup with the protests from last summer. Even without talking about the police response, these events are light years away from each other. On one hand, you have a group of people who have been continuously oppressed by systems that are part of the DNA of America who are marching because they see their brothers and sisters unjustly dying every day. On the other hand you have a privileged group (white males) who can’t accept that they didn’t get their way in a free and fair election and are trying to force an overthrow of our democracy. THESE ARE NOT THE SAME! The actions that happened on Wednesday is not “just as bad” as the protests…they are WAY WORSE.

As I continue to process everything that has happened and my reactions to it, I realize that I want to do more than I have been. I’ve spent a lot of time reading about white supremacy and anti-racism, but I haven’t taken much action. Wednesday reinforced for me that while I’m sitting here reading and learning…the other side is taking action. And I can’t sit in idle complicity anymore.

Every intention that I had set for the year was internally focused. Being present, focusing on the essential, and staying connected. But what about taking action and making an impact? I don’t know specifically what that will look like yet, but I want to speak my intention into existence today.

I know one thing I want to do is to use my voice more. I’m pretty candid about my feelings with my close friends and family. Most of them have sat through a rant or two of mine. But I always hesitate to put those thoughts into writing – whether on this blog or on social media. I want to change that this year and be more courageous about speaking up in uncomfortable situations.

In addition to speaking up more I will be researching places and organizations to give to financially as well as volunteering my time. I’m not exactly sure what other directions this will take, but I know I want to do more. I want to activate my inner social justice warrior this year and try to make a difference.

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I love the beginning of a new year. The idea of starting over fresh is just appealing to me. Growing up, making New Year’s resolutions felt like a fun game. I saw this reflected in my niece and nephew when we asked them what their resolutions were for 2021. They included things like “see if my new RC car can jump off the roof” and “try a new hairstyle.” But they also had more realistic and practical goals like “read 50 books” and “score a goal in soccer.” It was fun to listen to them and see them get excited about all the possibilities that 2021 can bring.

I think this year it’s a little harder for us as adults to get into making resolutions. Almost everything we planned for on January 1st of 2020 ended up cancelled or put on hold indefinitely. For most of us, our year in reality looked nothing like the one we had hoped for. But I do think there is hope for 2021 being different, albeit a tentative hope. I keep seeing a meme circulated that says something to the effect of don’t declare 2021 as ‘your year’ and tread softly so we don’t scare it. I get the sentiment and the humor, but it also makes me sad that as much as people are cheering the end of 2020, there seems to be little celebration about the beginning of 2021.

As much as I’m cautious, I also want to be optimistic. The past few years have been difficult for me personally, however I feel like I’ve actually turned a corner on a few things. And I don’t want to put that progress and momentum on hold just because I’m unsure what this year is going to look like. So instead of making ‘resolutions’ this year, I want to set intentions. And then I’ll set short-term goals that fall under these intentions, re-evaluating on a more frequent basis to adjust for all those unknown external factors that are sure to come.

• Be present: the past few years have been a challenge for me on this front because I was so frequently unhappy in my personal circumstances. I was always looking forward to getting home from a business trip or being done with a big project launch or even just getting through the work day. I’ve recently realized how much that stripped me from finding joy in my current surroundings and I’m looking forward to practicing being present.
• Focus on the essential: I can’t tell you how much money and effort I’ve spent over the past decade searching for the perfect face cream that would dramatically change my skin. The perfect dress that would make me look 10 lbs smaller. The perfect gadget that would simplify my life. The perfect workout gear that would make me actually want to go for a run. This year I want to stop searching for the perfect [insert object here] and focus on what is essential. And I’ve also finally accepted the fact that no pair of leggings exists in the world that is going to make me want to run.
• Stay connected: I grew up moving around a lot. And then I moved around a lot during the beginning of my adult life as well. It was harder then than it is now to keep in touch with people and I just kind of accepted that I would lose all my friends every time I moved. As long distance communication got easier, I didn’t change that mindset at all. People say to live with no regrets but the regret that I don’t think I’ll ever shake is all the wonderful relationships I let go of over the years. Being cut off from almost all face-to-face interaction last year showed me how easy it really is to text or call or FaceTime people. It can be an hour, 5 minutes, or even just a 30 second text message. But it takes effort to stay connected and I am determined to do that this year.

So that is how I am approaching my growth and development for the year of 2021. The next step is to create those SMART goals and, as I said before, I plan to keep them focused on the short-term so I can shift as things inevitably change this year.

I hope your New Year feels shiny, bright, and hopeful (even if it’s tentative!)