Month: March 2021

When quitting is the right thing to do

~ kofriedery ~ 2 Comments

“Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose — not the one you began with perhaps, but one you’ll be glad to remember.” – Anne Sullivan

A couple weeks ago I wrote about resilience and that quitting something or changing direction should be included in our definition. I feel very strongly about this, but to be honest, I still struggle with it in my real world life. Case in point – I’ve been slogging after an idea for a book that…well…just isn’t coming together.

Every writer I’ve talked to or listened to or read about will say that your first draft is always garbage. Like…not just “needs improvement” but it will be bad, bad. The practice is to get words on the pages and to get the story moving. So I’ve been operating with that mindset for the past few months. In fact, I’ve written 30,000 words of garbage in three months! No matter what, that’s an accomplishment.

But the past few weeks I’ve been struggling to even put words on the page. Because I am trying to be consistent in my efforts, I’ve dutifully written 1,000 words every Tuesday and Thursday per my self-imposed schedule. 2,000 words a week at minimum is the plan. Yet every day that I sit down with my manuscript, I’m groaning internally and desperately looking for something else to do. Hence why my bathtub got new caulk last week.

As I’ve been toiling away and sticking to this schedule, another idea has taken root and started to grow in my mind. A better idea for a book. Something more interesting to me, something that I know better than what I’m currently writing. But I’ve been dismissing it because I’m trying to maintain the discipline to finish the story I’m working on. Trying to “stick with it.”

Finally I mentioned this to Tyler and, as an artist himself, he has a completely different perspective than I do. He is frequently starting pieces and setting them aside to start something else, before coming back to the original piece with fresh eyes to finish it. He made a comment that the general public would be surprised at how many unfinished pieces artists usually have in their studios. Sometimes starting something give you an idea for the next thing and that’s as far as it goes. It served it’s purpose as inspiration but it was never destined to be a completed piece.

I think the mental switch for me is to start thinking of myself as an artist more than a worker. As a worker in an office you don’t create from inspiration, you create from necessity or at the direction of someone else. Right now I am trying to create from inspiration, so it doesn’t make sense to be too rigid about an idea if it isn’t inspiring. This isn’t to say it won’t be work. It’s the idea I wrote about last week (Authenticity vs. Consistency) that we must have some discipline and consistency in order to accomplish anything. But, I think toiling away at a bad idea and ignoring a better story isn’t being authentic enough to what I’m trying to do.

This week I started outlining my new book and already I feel more engaged with this idea! It’s going to require a lot of research and strategy to make it happen how I want, so it feels good to be excited about something that I think is going to end up being more work. More to come as I process everything and make progress.

Thoughts on a Monday

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Happy Monday everyone. Sorry I haven’t been very consistent in posting this month. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster. There have been some really high Highs and some really low Lows. And a whole heap of self-reflection.

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, my grandmother passed away earlier this month. That, on top of a few other fairly serious medical issues in the family, made for a difficult year already. Paired with the fact that we passed the one year mark of Covid in the US…everything just has been feeling heavy. Then the shooting happened in Boulder last week, at a grocery store that my parents sometimes go to. The grocery store that I went to as a teenager because it was the closest to my high school. Where many of my parents’ friends and my friends’ parents live in the nearby neighborhoods.

So even though there have been really bright moments of joy in the last week (watching silly panda videos with my youngest nephew, skiing with the older two, lots of laughter around the dinner table with my whole family, more friends and family getting vaccinated) it didn’t feel appropriate or authentic to post about any of it last Friday.

I guess I’m writing today because I want to acknowledge that things get heavy. And even though it isn’t always the right move to put on a happy face in a public forum, there are still good things happening in the midst of the pain and sorrow. Even as Boulder is dealing with individual and collective heartbreak after last week’s events, it has been heartwarming at the same time to see my friends post memories of selling Girl Scout cookies at the King Soopers. To see community members come together in different ways to show their support and love.

Even though things aren’t always good, you can always find good things.

Friday Five Things – 3/19/21

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“In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.” – Margaret Atwood

I missed posting my Friday Five Things last Friday due to some personal stuff that came up. But I have still been finding joy in the little things. Hopefully you had some sunny moments in your week, both literal and figurative.

  • Spring weather in Colorado – For those who aren’t familiar, Colorado can have pretty extreme weather swings in March and April. So while the beginning of last week we had beautiful sunny weather with temps nearing 70 degrees and I was working in the yard, over the weekend we got almost 2 feet of snow at our house. Crazy! I kinda like it though. The snow was already half melted by Monday afternoon, but there’s another storm on the horizon for this weekend.
  • Journal prompts – A blogger I follow, Grace Atwood (thestripe.com) shared a link to 11 journal prompts to help you define your personal values. While I think I have a pretty good idea of those already, it’s been interesting to go through these prompts day by day and write about things I don’t usually think about. Check out the list here. So far I’ve discovered that I place a much higher value on things being ‘peaceful’ than I would have thought!
  • New caulk on my bathtub – For a few months I’ve been saying I need to recaulk my tub and I finally did it! I was mostly motivated by procrastination of other things I needed to do. But, once you strip off the old caulk there’s really no going back on the project! I’m proud of myself for doing that little home improvement project on my own and it looks nice and fresh!
  • A clean kitchen – I’ve been taking a few minutes every (well…most) nights to clean up my kitchen and ‘put it to bed’ before I put myself to bed. It started as a little stress reliever, both in terms of feeling productive and mitigating a messy sink in the morning. It has now become part of my nighttime routine that signals to my brain that the day is done. And I LOVE waking up to a clean kitchen with clear-ish countertops. We don’t have a big kitchen or a lot of space, so getting all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher or hand washed every night makes a huge difference.
  • And finally, my Neeno – My grandmother, my mom’s mom. She passed away last week after declining health and some physical setbacks. We never lived close by and in recently years I’ve only been able to see her a few times, the most recent being for my PawPaw’s memorial service in the summer of 2019. She was a smart, opinionated woman. She was so so creative and I think I get my love of storytelling from her. I remember she once wrote a short story about some stuffed animals and their friend Chester Drawers, which was what my uncle called a chest of drawers when he was little. She knitted numerous sweaters and hats and scarves over the years. I still have at least one sweater and a couple hats from her. She will be missed, but I believe she is at peace now and happily reunited with my PawPaw.

Authenticity vs. Consistency

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“Be yourself – not your idea of what you think somebody else’s idea of yourself should be.” – Henry David Thoreau

Several months ago I was listening to a podcast that a friend had sent to me. The episode was a conversation between two writers, just chatting about their writing processes and best practices. This was right after I had quit my job and was trying to figure out what it really meant that I wanted to “be a writer.” I had a lot of big grand plans at that point and I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing and following the right steps to get there. (Hello Enneagram 1!)

One of the topics that they discussed was the obsession with authenticity in today’s society. The commentary of these two writers was that authenticity is at odds with consistency. And when readers (or Instagram followers, or whatever) say that they want authenticity, they don’t really mean 100%. Because 100% authenticity would look like inconsistency. And today’s readers, especially on blogs and social media, want consistency from their writers or content creators.

For some reason this idea, more than anything else I heard on that podcast, took roots and has stuck in my brain for the past 6 months. I’m constantly thinking about it. Are authenticity and consistency mutually exclusive? Can you be 100% authentic and 100% consistent at the same time? Or are we less authentic because we are consistent in our writing and delivery?

This internal conversation popped up again today because, while I usually reserve my mornings for writing, I was completely disinterested in writing today and had zero ideas for this blog post. Instead I dawdled and read and then decided today would be a good idea to strip the mildewy caulk from my tub. Now…I definitely needed to get rid of that caulk and I’ve been talking about it for months. But I can’t lie to myself and pretend that doing it today had nothing to do with procrastination of writing.

So I thought to myself, “there I go not being consistent, because I’m being authentic to my desire to do anything but write.” And maybe that was true for this morning. I ignored the voice telling me I ought to be disciplined above all else and decided to go a different direction today. But if I had forced myself to sit down and write, would that have made me more “authentic.”

I submit that it would not. After some thinking, done while I was scraping away in the tub, I think I reject the idea that being consistent makes me less authentic. Or vice versa. I do think that people can use the idea of authenticity as an excuse to shirk discipline. In the same way they can use it to avoid decency and consideration towards other people. But just because I tell myself to sit down and work at a certain time every day, no matter how I feel, doesn’t mean I’m not being true to myself.

Because the true me LOVES structure, right? I think I’ve mentioned my love affair with structure and boundaries before. I don’t think it’s any less authentically me to adhere to a schedule despite my mood, because deep down what I want is to write. What I want is to be productive and successful. If I spent every morning I didn’t want to write doing neglected chores around the house…well, my house would look a lot better than it does right now, but I think in the end I would feel like I wasn’t being the true authentic me.

Thoughts on the COVID 1 year anniversary

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“Doing nothing is sometimes one of the highest of the duties of man.” – G.K. Chesterton

Somehow it feels crazy that it’s been a whole year and also hard to believe it’s only been a year since things shut down due to COVID. I remember being in the office with my coworkers last February when this all started making the news. I remember I was in the middle of getting a training set up for some managers in Virginia when we got the news that all non-essential travel should be halted. So then I spent a day scrambling to figure out if we could do the training remotely. Then we started hearing that big groups of people shouldn’t gather together. Given that I was working for a healthcare company who’s patients were in the high risk category for COVID, it seemed prudent to be as cautious as possible with our teammates in our facilities. So we opted to cancel the training all together.

At this point we were all still in our offices together, but on high alert to wash our hands frequently. There were Lysol wipes stationed near the elevators and hand sanitizer at every corner. We would sing together in the bathrooms while washing our hands to make sure we hit the recommended 20 seconds, if not more. There were two kinds of people during that time. Those that still thought this was no big deal and that it would blow over quickly and those of us (yes I’m included in this second group) who feed off of worst case scenario discussions. I stopped going into the office a few days before it shut down officially because my commute was on crowded public transportation and I started to feel exposed and unsafe. I told my manager I would make an effort to drive to the office 1 or 2 days a week, trying to balance being present with the high cost of parking downtown. I was very lucky to work for a team that allowed for this kind of flexibility.

A few days after I made that decision, the city shut down for all non-essential workers. Our company complied and had anyone who could work remotely do so effective immediately. The announcement was on a Friday and I was already at home. I decided not to go back to the office to pick up anything because I basically had everything I needed to work with me already. I was headed up to the mountains to spend a few days with my family, including my sister, her husband and kids who had flown in. There had been some hemming and hawing about whether they should get on the plane but decided the risk didn’t seem high enough to opt for driving.

We all gathered up at the mountain house that Friday night, planning to ski the following morning. Together we saw the alerts that they would be closing the lodges for dining and limiting sharing lift seats. The next morning we woke up to the news that the mountain was shutting down all skiing. The mountain towns had been the first hit with the virus due to spring breakers unknowingly bringing it with them during travel. So these little tourist towns were on high alert. For the next few days we all tried to relax, but ended up glued to our phones and the television as we watched the news get worse and worse. Eventually we all cut our trip short, my sister and her family opting to rent a minivan and drive home rather than taking their return flight.

Prior to going up to the mountains, I had made a big trip to Costco to stock up on food and other essentials. Some people teased me a bit, but it was like a Pavlovian trauma response having lived through a few hurricane seasons. My monkey brain took over and said “something is happening, make sure you have food!” So we ended up working through all that over the next couple weeks without needing any big grocery store runs. By the time we started going back out to stores, everything had changed. And that’s what we have been living with for the past year.

I’ve seen people talking about this being a time for mourning and remembrance of the lives lost this past year. I’ve seen others talking about this being a time to commemorate and celebrate that we’ve made it this far. And I resonate with both viewpoints. We’ve come this far and lost a lot along the way, some much more than others. So make sure you take time to acknowledge those feelings, both of sadness and gratitude. And always hope for what is yet to be.

Friday Five Things

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“Don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.” – Luther Burbank

  1. C.B. Strike – In my February book report I included the book Troubled Blood which is the latest of the Cormoran Strike series. I recently discovered the show C.B. Strike on HBO Max (originally aired on BBC One in the UK). It has four series each made up of 2 or 3 episodes that cover the first four books. I’ve been loving it! They deviate from the books quite a bit in the plot points, but I love a good detective show and I feel like they did a great job with the characters. Highly recommend, but warning of tough subject matter like murder, abuse, rape, and drug use.
  2. My cat Buzz – We adopted our two cats (Buzz and Portia) a little over two years ago. They were pretty hesitant about us for awhile, but eventually warmed up. Portia has always been a lap snuggler, but only recently in the past week or so has Buzz started joining me when I sit on the couch. He used to only cuddle up to Tyler in bed, but he has become such a momma’s boy recently and I just love it!
  3. Skiing – I had only gotten to ski a couple times before everything shut down last season. And we had no idea what this year would bring with Covid restrictions and the reduced capacity reservation system. But with my new flexible working schedule, I’ve already gotten to ski more this year than I have in the previous 5 years! Tyler and I skied on Monday and had decent snow with beautiful sunny bluebird skies!
  4. “Shopping” my house – I mentioned on Wednesday that we’ve been doing some big furniture rearranging and reorganizing in the house. It’s opened up some new spaces for decorating and I’ve been having fun “shopping” other rooms in the house to fill shelves and tables. It’s amazing how just moving some things around can have a huge impact and completely scratch the itch I get for buying new home decor.
  5. Chickens are laying again! – The winter drought seems to be over and we have fresh eggs again! Our hens stopped laying in the fall when they all started molting (losing all/lots of their feathers) and then they typically don’t lay during the short days of winter. But I peeked in the egg box on Sunday and there were several eggs in there! Unfortunately they had all frozen and cracked at some point so I tossed them, but it means we’re back into production mode!

March Goals Update

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“Spring is the time of plans and projects.” – Leo Tolstoy

Alright friends! This is a long one today. Since I’ve talked so much about goal setting and accountability in the past, I’m going to keep the train rolling with a monthly update. I also want to say that I had some pretty bad winter blues from January into February and I think having tangible goals helped me from completely falling into the funk. That being said, the sun is out a little more these days and things are looking up for me, so I’m being a bit more ambitious about what I hope to accomplish in March. Hopefully you are feeling some positive effects of the longer days and nicer weather. Take that optimism and run with it!

Be Present – My goal in February was to journal daily and nail down my time-blocking strategy. While I didn’t hit every single day with the journal, it’s definitely becoming a regular habit most days and I can tell it’s helping me be present in my daily life. As for the time-blocking schedule, I made progress in figuring out what works for me but it’s not totally perfect yet. What I have figured out is that my most productive hours for writing are from 10am to noon. And then a midday break for movement, shower and lunch. Then the afternoons have been a bit more grab bag in terms of what gets done. Some days it’s errands, some days it’s cleaning, other days it’s reading or research. I think I’m still trying to find that balance between schedule and flexibility that works for me to get stuff done but also promote more spontaneity in my life. I’m adding meditation into my morning routine for March. I have found that doing a quick 5-10 minute meditation in bed when I first wake up actually helps me to get moving faster than if I try to get out of bed immediately. I’m likely to hit snooze a few times, but if I build in that expected 5 minute quiet buffer, I won’t take 20 minutes of unproductive-snooze-button-extra-sleep.

Focus on the Essential – I stuck to my agreement of only purchasing skincare or hair care to replace empties. I bought one bottle of a clarifying shampoo that was completely new to my routine, but much needed. I had one big clothing purchase, but I’m still trying to decide whether to keep it or not. Other than that I was pretty good with not purchasing anything unnecessary for myself. I did spend more on houseware purchases this month, but it’s because we did some pretty significant rearranging of furniture to better match our space. So I bought a smaller dresser for our bedroom and more bins for storage under our bed and in closets. I feel like my “focus on the essential” really helped because I did more research before buying anything, along with lots of measuring and determining what we really “needed” vs what I wanted to buy from the Container Store (which was everything). So…success! Excited to continue this trend for the rest of the year!

Stay Connected – I connected with people much more this month! I had a couple video calls and FaceTimes, texted with a few friends I haven’t been in touch with recently, and even met up with a friend (safely) in person! As I said above, I am emerging from my cocoon of winter blues and I think there was definitely an impact on my mood when I made an effort to talk to and see people. Continuing this effort into March and hoping nicer weather can facilitate more in person walks or coffee dates!

Activate Inner SJW – Making an effort to read about Black history every day in February was such a good idea. I wrote about it last week, but I was inspired, shocked, and in awe of what I learned. This month my goal is to find an organization that I can start volunteering with to create more action. I have a couple in mind to look into and will make a decision by the end of the month.

As for the other goals I had for the month, I think I did pretty well. Starting this week I’ll be using a monthly goals and habits tracker to keep closer tabs on how I’m doing day-to-day.

  • 30 minutes of movement every day – I can’t say I hit 30 minutes every day, but I did make more of an effort to do indoor workouts on the really cold and snowy days in February rather than just taking the day off. Keeping this goal for March.
  • Add 5,000 words to my novel manuscript. I exceeded this by 3,000 words! I think this was a result of my time blocking and focusing on novel writing 1,000 words just two days a week. But with four weeks in February, that totaled an added 8,000 words! So I’m going to continue the 2,000 words per week for March and attempt to add another 8,000 words.
  • Read 5 books. I only finished 4 books this month. I know my book report had 5 listed, but one was included because I forgot to write about it in January. I also picked some really long books to read in February so that definitely affected my book number. Aiming for 5 books in March!
  • Eat healthier. Yes, this goes against all my goal advice by not being specific or time bound. I do have a more specific goal and process for tracking, but I won’t share it here because it isn’t relevant to anyone else’s situation and body. In addition to trying to eat healthier, I also have a goal of drinking 60 oz of water every day. I usually end up drinking 48-50 oz, so I’m just upping by a glass or two per day.
  • 15 minutes of cleaning every day. I have a tendency to procrastinate housework until it becomes too bad to ignore. And it creates a really bad mental cycle for me of stress and criticism for letting it get so bad. Recently I’ve been adding 15 minutes of cleaning to my to do list every day and I think it’s been helping me stay on top of things and feel better about my space. I mean, I’ve been stuck in my house for a year…it’s about time I made an effort to keep it clean and tidy!