social justice

May Goals Update

~ kofriedery ~ Leave a comment

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” – Albert Einstein

Hi Friends! I should be posting my April Book Report today, but I wanted to get my goals recapped and updated here at the beginning of the month. I’ll post the book report early next week and then have a regular Friday Five Things at the end of the week. Hope you are all having a great May so far!

Be Present – I have been working on remembering to meditate in the mornings more consistently and getting a little better at it. My journaling didn’t pick up in April like I had hoped, and I think it’s because I tried to mix it up with my workspaces. In doing so, my journal wasn’t always in the same place when I wanted to write. For May, I’m going to focus on little solutions to make both of the tasks easier and more seamless for me because I know that helps with my consistency. Aside from that, as I wrote in my post on Monday, I felt 100% present and in the moment during my week at the beach with family.

Focus on the Essential – I went through my entire wardrobe as planned and got rid of several items that either didn’t fit or I hadn’t worn in a very long time. I made a list of what I needed to replace and shopped around to find the right items at the right price to fit my needs. I think one of the differences I noticed in doing it this way is that there were a few things that I saw and liked while I was shopping, but I knew I already had something similar in my closet because I had just had my hands on it. I also returned a handful of things that just didn’t work for me and I knew that while I liked them, I wouldn’t wear them enough to justify the purchase. In the past I’d tell myself that of course I’d wear it and that returning things was too much of a hassle. I do have to admit that while on vacation the concept of only purchasing the essential kind of went out the window. We bought a few things to play with at the beach that we didn’t end up bringing home, but I feel like it was worth it for the fun we had. For May, I am going to go back to my more spartan purchasing and only buy things to replace empties. I’m also going a little more basic in my meal planning to try and reduce our grocery bill back down as it got a little out of control last month.

Stay Connected – I felt very much more connected in April than previous months. And I feel like May is going to be more of the same. I have a lot of friends who are also fully vaccinated now and I can’t wait to get together with them!

Activate Inner SJW – I reached out to two organizations to talk about volunteering. One of them is actually shut down right now because of the pandemic so they won’t need anyone until they open back up. And I’m waiting to hear back from the other about any immediate needs, as I know they are still in operation. So goal for May is to get some actual volunteer hours on the calendar!

As for the other goals I had for the month, I think I did pretty well. Starting this week I’ll be using a monthly goals and habits tracker to keep closer tabs on how I’m doing day-to-day.

  • Hike 20 miles/other regular movement – I did not hike 20 miles this month. We had some crazy spring weather with snow that got in the way. I did get in three hikes for a total just over 9 miles. I have higher hopes for May weather, although this first week has already been really cold and rainy! Targeting 20 miles again this month!
  • Finish the outline and get started on research for new book – The detailed outline still needs some work, but I have the general framework of the story sketched out. And I have definitely gotten started on research! Lots of reading and lots of ideas so far. Goal for May is to add details to my current outline and develop the main characters.
  • Read 5 books – I finished reading 3 books. Part of the reason I didn’t finish 5 is that I currently have 4 books in progress! Goal for May is to try and focus on one or two books at a time so I can actually get to the end! (2 books would be 1 fiction/pleasure reading plus 1 research book at a time)
  • Eat healthier and drink 60oz of water daily – Yes! I feel like I had a lot of success with this in April. I drank my 60oz or more every day. And I hate fairly healthy, with the exception of the brookies I talked about a couple weeks ago and some ice cream on vacation. Goal for May is to cut back on some of my excess sugar consumption. I already swapped my usual sweet coffee creamer for plain oat milk in the mornings and I’m liking it so far!
  • 15 minutes of cleaning every day – I didn’t do this every day of the month but I did most days. Going to keep this up and add the goal of decluttering and organizing all of the hall closets in the house for May.

Friday Five Things 4/23

~ kofriedery ~ Leave a comment

“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.” – William Shakespeare

  1. The Falcon and the Winter Soldier – I am a big fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and this new series on Disney+ does not disappoint! It follows Sam Wilson (Falcon) and Bucky Barnes (Winter Solider) in navigating the world post Avengers: End Game. It’s full of action, bad guys, and fight scenes, but also explores the global socio-economic issues that arose after the events of End Game and also doesn’t shy away from the topic of systemic racism, which in this universe affects even super heroes. As of writing this, the sixth and final episode hasn’t aired yet, but I can’t imagine it will disappoint given how good the other five have been. If you are a fan of the movies but feel nervous about the stories getting the TV treatment, give it a watch. Also…WandaVision was great but I’m liking TFATWS more.
  2. Brookie Bites from Target – You might be familiar with two-bite brownies that are sold in a lot of stores. Or the ones that are a combo of madeleines and brownies. But last week I saw, for the first time, a combo of chocolate chip cookie and brownie bites in the Target bakery section. I bought them just to see if they were any good…and man oh man are they! Like, I am obsessed with them. The texture is super moist and the flavors are just so good together. Anyway, I know some people bake these themselves but I honestly see no reason to go through the effort when the store down the street sells them and I can find nothing that I would improve upon.
  3. 2nd vaccine dose! – I got my second shot this morning and I am so excited! So far I’m feeling fine, no bad side effects. Hopefully that doesn’t change throughout the rest of the day, but I’m prepared to just shut down and rest if I need to.
  4. Grocery store flowers – Recently, every other week or so, I’ve been grabbing a cheap bouquet of flowers when I do my grocery shopping. Nothing fancy, in fact I find the cheaper they are, the longer they last! It just brings a nice pop of color and cheer to the house. I do have to be careful of what I buy because both the cats seem to love when I have cut flowers in a vase and there are a lot of common cut flowers that are pretty toxic to cats (like lilies). It’s pretty funny though when Buzz sticks his whole head into the middle of the blooms!
  5. The jury’s decision in the Derek Chauvin trial – As someone who was not in the courtroom and only read about testimonies and evidence, it seemed pretty obvious to me that Chauvin should be found guilty. I am so relieved that the jury felt the same way. I am also relieved that there will be an investigation into the police department. Because it is not enough to convict one man of using unwarranted force if there is a pattern that isn’t being addressed. This really is so much bigger than what happened with George Floyd and while the verdict allowed for an exhale of relief, a lot of people followed that up with an inhale to ready themselves for next steps.

Friday Five Things 4/16

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“So joy can be joy and sorrow can be sorrow, with neither of them casting either light or shadow on the other.” Marilynne Robinson

Before I get into the five things that brought me joy this week, I want to acknowledge that it’s been a difficult and overwhelming week for many, including myself, as we have been buffeted with news of Chauvin’s trial for the murder of George Floyd, the shooting death of Daunte Wright, and the shooting death of Adam Toledo. My heart breaks at the loss of life. And I just cannot see how any of this was justified in any way. I believe there has to be another way to handle these situations and I’m working to educate myself on what it would look like to defund or abolish the police.

On top of those horrific stories came the news of the mass shooting at the FedEx facility in Indianapolis. It can be so difficult to find moments of joy in week’s like this, and I’ll be honest, I wrestled with whether I should share anything today or not. But I will because I think it is important to remember that life is complex. That we can have our hearts break while watching the news and simultaneously be happy that we are safe and cozy in our homes. We don’t have to only feel one way or the other at any given moment. So…if you are interested in where I found my joy this week, please read on.

  1. This recipe – I made this Skillet Chicken Enchilada Bake for dinner last night and I’m already looking forward to having the leftovers for dinner tonight. I added sautéed mushrooms just because we had some that needed to be used up. It was soooo good! And super easy to put together. Also, if you don’t want to deal with cutting fresh corn off the cob, I find that the Del Monte Summer Crisp corn is the best canned corn to use as a substitute. Or frozen would work too!
  2. Planning travel – I know this is still a controversial topic, but as more and more people are getting vaccinated (we are!) and infection rates are going down in areas, we are planning some trips to spend time with family. It’s exciting and anxiety-inducing all at once! But the idea of spending quality time with people we love is worth the other feelings!
  3. New Orleans – The book I’m writing is about New Orleans so the books I’m reading right now are about New Orleans. I spent two summers volunteering down there after Hurricane Katrina and then ended up moving there full time. I stayed for 2 years and I’ve been back to visit several times but I think it has now been the longest stretch of time between visits. Instead I’ve been traveling through my books. And hearing other people describe the city I love so much in a way that only someone who knows it can understand…I’ve even teared up a few times because it feels like home.
  4. Spring snow – We always get one (hopefully) final snowstorm in mid to late April. And it came this week! At our house we got probably 6-7 inches of heavy wet snow. Do I love having my spring interrupted by winter every year? Not especially. But it is bringing much needed moisture to our drought-prone state. And since it has been warm recently, the paved areas are already melted so no need for shoveling!
  5. New clothing – After doing a thorough inventory of my closet and making a list of specific needs/wants, I ordered some new clothes and most of them arrived last week. Some are replacements for other items that were worn out or didn’t fit any more. Some are specific items that I’ve wanted to add to my wardrobe for awhile. A few things didn’t fit as expected so I’ll be returning those and only keeping the things I loved. There’s an influencer I follow on Instagram (her name is Ailsa @_happygocurly_) and she likes to say “your clothes shouldn’t hurt your feelings.” While I’m still on a healthy journey that *might* result in losing some weight, I am so happy to have clothing right now that doesn’t hurt my feelings when I put it on!

“In our work and in our living, we must recognize that difference is a reason for celebration and growth, rather than a reason for destruction.” – Audre Lorde

~ kofriedery ~ Leave a comment

This year was the first year since I graduated from my public school career that I’ve taken intentional steps to learn about Black history during February. I spent maybe 15-20 minutes a day reading the daily emails in the 28 Days of Black History series from Anti-Racism Daily, looking at content posted on Instagram by some of the influencers I follow and looking up the prompts from Rachel Cargle’s Discover Our Glory series. What I learned was challenging, uplifting, heartbreaking, and powerful. I so wish I had learned more about some of these people in the many years of Black History Month curriculum in school; a chance to see the breadth and depth of Black history…which, after all, is American history.

Billie Holiday – Yes I knew who Billie Holiday was before now, I’d listened to her recordings of popular jazz standards. But I’d never heard her sing “Strange Fruit” based on a poem about lynchings in the south. I’d never learned about how the FBI targeted her for her drug use, how her hospital room was raided as she was dying and she was placed under police guard and handcuffed. She had a troubled life, sure, but no one deserves such indignity in death.

Glenn Burke – Co-inventor of the high five! I had never heard the high-five story and for such a ubiquitous gesture, it seems like something I would have known. He was also the first publicly gay player in Major League Baseball and suffered a lot of prejudice because of it. The LA Dodgers even offered him money to get married before trading him to the Oakland As.

Matthew Henson – He was an arctic explorer with Robert Peary and claims to be the first man to reach the geographic North Pole and planted the American flag. He ended up being the first African American to be made a life member of The Explorers Club and was subsequently elevated to the highest level of membership. During his explorations he studied Inuit survival techniques and learned their language.

Florynce Kennedy – Oh man do I wish I had known about this woman earlier. This one is probably due to my own ignorance of the early first wave feminists, but honestly we hear so much about Gloria Steinem and less about Florynce who traveled and lectured alongside her. She was instrumental in the Miss America protest of 1968, founded the Feminist Party and the National Women’s Political Caucus. She came up with the idea to protest the lack of women’s bathrooms at Harvard by pouring fake urine on the front steps of the university’s Lowell Hall. And she did it all wearing a cowboy hat, pink sunglasses, and false eyelashes! This is a woman I wish I had learned about in high school.

Bayard Rustin – Rustin was active and instrumental in the Civil Rights Movement. He helped organize the first of the Freedom Rides and worked closely with Martin Luther King Jr in putting together the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. However, he was distanced from King after a US Representative threatened to leak rumors of a sexual relationship between the two, knowing that Rustin was known to be gay. Rustin still participated in the movement and helped organize the March on Washington. He was not given public credit at the time due to other civil rights leaders seeing his sexuality as a “liability.”

Audre Lorde – As an English major, I’ve read Lorde’s poetry before. It is beautiful and powerful. But this is an example of a writer who has had huge influence on intersectionality, womanism, third wave feminism, and discussions of identity. I am fascinated by her for so much more than her poetry now and I can’t wait to learn more.

This is just a small sampling of the Black historical figures that crossed through my email and social media this month. I am so happy I took the extra time each day to learn and I’m inspired to do more.

“The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding.”― Albert Camus

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“Assume good intent.” I’m sure most of you have heard that phrase before and some of you may have even adopted it as a rule in your life. I’m not going to tell you it’s a wrong way to live, but I do want to offer up a bit of critical analysis on how it might end up doing more harm than good in certain situations.

During my years in Corporate America, one constant that I’ve found is that wherever you have groups of diverse individuals, there will be conflict. Most workplaces strive to reduce interpersonal conflict, through codes of conduct, informal agreements, or even group workshops. One of the teams I worked on made an attempt to address their history of conflict by creating a set of team commitments – “assume positive intent” was included on the list. While this was written out explicitly, it had always been an implicit expectation at most companies I worked for.

I could never really put into words why it didn’t sit well with me. Because on the surface level, it seems like the right attitude to have. Approach interactions assuming everyone is on the same team and wants what it best for the group. But the way it was stated always made me feel like it was putting the responsibility on the receiving party to “just get over it” or “let it roll off your back.” Again, generally good skills to have in the workplace. But ultimately I felt like it was still missing the root cause of why people sometimes walked away with hurt feelings in certain situations.

And then I started hearing people use the phrase “impact over intent” and I realized that’s what I’ve always felt was missing in these corporate mantras of “assume good intent.” There are times when we need to hold people accountable for their impact rather than making the recipient accountable for their reaction. The commonly used analogy is Mary stepping on Alex’s foot and apologizing even though she didn’t mean to. She is recognizing that her unintentional actions caused harm.

This is certainly not a new concept. In fact, as I was thinking about writing this post I googled “harmful good intentions” and a ton of content came up. I was particularly struck by this blog post* that discusses the harm that these kinds of workplace agreements can have on diversity and inclusion efforts. The author does a great job of expanding on the “stepping on the foot” analogy, stating that groups with a history of discrimination have been stepped on day after day and policies to assume good intent put them in a position where they have to ignore the repeated harm because people didn’t mean to step on them. And that if they call out the harmful actions of people around them, they are subject to a code of conduct that requires them to assume their peers meant no harm. It gives them little to no recourse for correcting bad behavior.

I think back to how often workplace relationships could have been mended or even avoided breaking in the first place if acknowledging the impact of words and actions was placed above defending intentions. Would everyone be best friends? No, of course not. But I think a lot of hurt would have been lessened.

All this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t still assume good intent as a starting place. The continuation of the title quote from Camus is “On the whole, men are more good than bad; that, however, isn’t the real point. But they are more or less ignorant, and it is this that we call vice or virtue; the most incorrigible vice being that of an ignorance that fancies it knows everything and therefore claims for itself the right to kill.” I really do think for the most part people are not acting or speaking with malice, more often than not it’s carelessness or a misunderstanding of how they affect others . But I think there’s a lot more emphasis that could be placed on impact over intent. I always say that words mean something. And if we start to explicitly change how we talk about interactions I think it would start to change how those interactions happen as well.

*disclaimer: I cannot vouch for anything else on that website, I only read the one blog post and liked it. Upon initial glance it looks like there’s some interesting content to dig into.

“Accountability breeds responsibility” – Stephen R. Covey

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I’m writing this on the first day of February and I spent my journaling time this morning reflecting on January and how I did with the goals I set for myself. I do think accountability is a big part of working toward your goals, whether it’s a public announcement on a blog or just letting one close friend know what you are working towards. And since I let you all know what my January goals were I’m going to give an update here.

Be Present – my goal for January was to journal every day. I think I missed 2 or 3 days during the month, but overall I was pretty consistent for the month. I used some journal prompts to do some deeper reflection on 2020 and some dreaming about 2021. I plan to continue the daily practice of journaling for February. I am also going to be more intentional about time-blocking my days and weeks so I can be more present and focused in my tasks.

Focus on the Essential – I am very proud of myself for doing no unnecessary spending this month on material things! We did splurge on takeout a couple times, but I stuck to my goal of no new skincare products, hair care products, clothing or home decor items! It actually wasn’t too difficult until I realized that my birthday month always comes with a few “free gift with purchase” rewards at some of my favorite stores. But I then I reminded myself that even though it’s free…it isn’t something I need and therefore it was okay to let it go! I’ll continue this into February, only purchasing replacements for empties and instead making sure to use what I already have. I know I have a couple necessary clothing purchases to make, but I’m going to do my research and be really intentional about what I buy, focusing on quality that will last a long time and also looking into the sustainability practices of the companies I buy from.

Stay Connected – Well I wasn’t successful in this goal completely. I wanted to have two video calls with friends and my second one ended up getting rescheduled to later this week. I did however get to FaceTime with my family a couple times and drove up to the mountains to spend my birthday with my parents instead of being alone, even though it would have been easier to just stay home. Overall I think I made a good effort of staying connected to people instead of isolating myself! For February I want to continue doing one or two video calls, but also making an effort to reach out to a friend via text at the beginning of each week.

Activate Inner SJW – In January I made an effort to engage more on social media and share items that resonated with me. While I did share more than I had before, it didn’t feel like enough. I also signed up for Anti-Racism Daily, which is a daily email newsletter focusing on a different topic every day. I’ve really appreciated the information shared there and have also signed up for their 28 Days of Black History virtual exhibition emails for this month that will share a different work celebrating Black history in the U.S. I also plan to engage with Rachel Cargle’s daily #DiscoverOurGlory learning series where she will be providing daily prompts for people to research and learn about.

I had a couple other goals for the month that I also want to report on:

  • Walk 1 mile every day: I got outside and walked every day! A handful of days I didn’t do a full mile, but still proud of my discipline here. A couple of those short days were due to weather or local roadwork in my neighborhood, so anticipating a cold and snowy February my updated goal will be at least 30 minutes of activity every day, either inside or outside.
  • Write 500 words every week day: I did really well on this one until last week. As I said above – my plan for February is to adjust my time-blocking strategy to hopefully promote more focus and productivity. So…writing for long periods of time on a few days rather than short sessions every day. Overall I’d like to add 5,000 words to my novel manuscript by the end of the month, as well as explore some other ideas for my writing.
  • Read 5 books every month: done and done for January. And I have my February list already picked out! I read 25 books in 2020 and I think I’ll easily hit 60+ this year.

“This is like being awake during your own surgery.” – Jimmy Kimmel, via Twitter

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I’ll be honest, I woke up this morning, looked at the news, and cried. This election has been exhausted and I think we were all hoping for a swift and definitive result, even though we’ve been told repeatedly that a long drawn out counting process was the more likely scenario. Like being awake during your own surgery, falling asleep, and then waking up to learn that the surgery is still in progress. So be warned…I wrote this post this morning – it is not following my normal process of writing, re-reading, editing, publishing. So things might be a little raw.

There’s one thing has been bothering me the past few days and I’m assuming it will continue for the foreseeable future. People on social media have been posting well-meaning platitudes about “no matter who wins the election, we just need to be kind to each other and that will fix all our problems!” And the messaging just hasn’t been sitting well with me.

Now, I’ve got no problem with kindness. In fact, I agree that being kind to other people can be life changing for them and for you. However, kindness alone isn’t going to fix systemic racism. It isn’t going to ensure quality health care for our vulnerable populations. Kindness isn’t going to ensure that the LGBTQ+ community has equal rights. So yes, let’s be kind but let’s make sure that definition of kindness includes protest and challenge and voting in each other’s best interests.

I also think that toxic positivity needs to be addressed here. I have a lot more thoughts about this topic that I can explore at a future date, but the idea is that not all positivity is truly positive. It can become toxic when it asks people to ignore their pain in favor of a “just get over it” mentality. And there’s definitely an undercurrent of toxic positivity running through my social media feed for the past several weeks of this election. In addition to the idea that simple kindness can cure all ills, the message is delivered in a way that says you shouldn’t be hurt or frustrated or angry…just be kind to people! It leaves little space for people’s true, authentic and valid feelings.

As we continue through the next few days, I would encourage you to check your privilege when making statements about how people should act or feel as a result of this election. Be kind? Yes, of course, if you have the capacity. But some people may be running on fear, stress, and pain. Give people space to feel their feelings and don’t make them feel less than if they feel differently than you.

“There’s no such thing as a vote that doesn’t matter. It all matters.” – Barack Obama

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The 2020 election is right around the corner and we cannot stay silent this year. You cannot let this opportunity to make your voice heard pass you by. It is SO important to exercise your right to vote. As President Obama said, every vote matters. This is true where you feel it or not.

Recently, I had a virtual happy hour with some ladies. And we were asked by the organizer to avoid discussing politics. I 100% understand her reason for asking and respected the request during that time. I joked that I’d have to look up other topics for conversation, but the truth is we have so much going on in our lives that it was pretty easy to avoid any controversial topics. And I really did want to hear about new jobs, new babies, new marriages, etc… I didn’t want to spend the time talking about Trump’s handling of COVID, or how Biden isn’t quite as progressive as I’d like, or my opinions on Amy Coney Barrett’s confirmation hearing so far. I wanted to just catch up with my girlfriends.

However, it did get me thinking about how much of my daily thoughts and conversations would be considered political. And the truth is, I’m okay with that! I’m okay being political. Especially right now.

This year feels so much more urgent than other elections. With a pandemic ravaging communities, our country’s history of systemic racism being put in the spotlight (and then being denied by the highest office), and the continued struggle for healthcare, women’s rights, the economy on the line, this is a BIG year to make some important decisions. And these are not decisions that any of us should be taking lightly.

The fact of the matter is that I strongly believe we cannot allow another four years of a Trump presidency. I believe there are groups of people who will be at high risk if he is voted in for another term. We’ve already seen instances of domestic terrorist groups latching on to his words as mantras, permission to do unthinkable harm to other Americans. I worry for young girls who will grow up without access to healthcare that will allow them to make safe and informed decisions about their bodies and their futures. I worry about the safety and well-being of immigrants who comes to our country hoping for a better life. I worry about the homeless who are treated as less than, about those struggling with addiction who will have increasingly limited options to get help.

I hope my impassioned words don’t come across as disingenuous because I truly believe there is so much at stake this year. We all have an obligation to look at the whole picture and make a decision that will move our country in the right direction. And not for some abstract idea of what makes America great. Because what makes America great is it’s people. If we continue to ignore that there are people in danger and hurting…we will never be great.